Thoughts on Travel

...by Liza

Whoever said "the journey is its own reward" and "getting there is half the fun" never flew on a 21st century commercial airline. Undoubtedly when those words were uttered, travel was both more arduous - perhaps involving camels and cruise liners that actually had a purposeful destination - and glamorous, in that people actually dressed for the journey. (Even I remember the concept of having a "travel ensemble" as a kid, on the train to Fort Worth from LA Union Station. And my mom had a dedicated suitcase thing just for makeup - heavy enough to kill someone if you wanted to whack them on the head with it.)

No, what we have these days is generally pretty far from that glamorous ideal. The travel part is, by and large, the least enjoyable part of any trip. I'm sure cruises and camel journeys still have a mystique to them, and I love train travel (in Europe). But airlines? Pathetic shells of what they once were. Cramped seats, tiny cheap snacks, lousy food (when you get food) - with few exceptions, but I'll get to those later. Service is usually barely tolerable, short connections make it undesirable to check bags, and if you do check bags, you pay for it. Rising costs have also finally led me to abandon one of my favorite trip rituals - the airport shoeshine.

But I save most of my disdain for my fellow travelers. As travel became increasingly accessible to the masses, the number of clueless people clogging up airports, dressed poorly, wandering slack-jawed through the terminals with vacant stares (and invariably carrying a food item that they clearly don't need, like ice cream and pizza), smacking people with the bags they drag behind them, has led to a corresponding decrease in my travel enjoyment (at least in the "getting there" department).

Since I intend to keep traveling, and really want to have a good time doing so from start to finish, I somewhat humbly offer my critiques of fellow traveler behavior. Most of this applies to the casual traveler; most frequent business travelers do indeed have a clue. But not all.

Let's start with...

Arriving at the Airport

Assuming most people leave their car at some kind of airport parking and get a shuttle to the terminal, it wouldn't kill you to tip the gal/guy driving you in. If they helped you with your bag, give 'em something. (Consider this - they know where you parked.)

If you're being dropped off by a friend, don't sit there forever saying goodbye. The shuttle vans will run you over and other buses will side-swipe your friend's car.

Checking In

Many airlines have automated kiosks for check in. You know, they aren't hard. You can swipe a card, or enter your confirmation number...just step through the process. They are designed for morons, namely the ones who weren't smart enough to check in over the internet and print their own boarding pass, so it's sad so many of you can't figure out how to use them.

Going Through Security

In the US, and most anywhere else I've been, there is a first security check of your ID and boarding pass before you get to the luggage screening area. So please, can you manage to have your ID and boarding pass out before you get to the security person? Waiting to walk up to him and then starting to rummage through the 18 things you are carrying is not amusing.

Secondly, stop arguing about your bottle of water. You can't take it through, so give up already. Drink it, empty it, do something with it before you get to the security person. And don't bother arguing with security that you don't want to pay for water after clearing security. They don't want to hear it and you aren't going to win. You don't want to pay, don't - take your empty bottle to a water fountain. All the terminals have them. And reusing your bottle makes you look environmentally friendly, anyway, even those of you who actually aren't.

Take your shoes off. No argument. About the only thing to consider here is whether the shoes are in or out of the bin (varies by airport - ask).

Empty your damn pockets. Guys, take off those belts. (If your pants fall down, reconsider your wardrobe or physique.) You shouldn't have to go through the screener three times because of things you forgot.

And hey - remember those liquids and gels! Take them out of your bag!

Boarding the Plane (aka, Getting Through the Gate and to the Plane)

All airlines, unless you're on a three-seat prop plane, have the same basic boarding procedure. First the people who need so much help, they probably shouldn't be travelling in the first place (ask me in 25 years how I feel about this). Then people with kids...sometimes I think babies shouldn't be travelling either, but we can discuss that later. Then some variation on precious metals or jewels (Platinum, Gold, Silver; Diamond, Emerald, Ruby), status conferred upon people for either travelling a whole bunch, or maxxing out their airline credit cards and thus accumulating insane mileage. (I'll complain here to American, who only gives you precious metal status for actual flights taken.) Then the masses get to board, either by rows, or by boarding groups.

So...unless you're one of the anointed special metals, a baby, or too old to be travelling in the first place, please do not crowd the gate area. You won't get on any faster, and you just gum things up for the people who are legitimately precious metal.

And don't bother trying to cheat, either. If you are boarding group 6, don't try to get on with 3. It will piss off the gate agent and hold things up for everyone else. You do not want to piss off a gate agent.

Special note for Southwest Airlines people. Depending on when you check-in, you're assigned to a boarding group (A, B, sometimes C), and given a number from 1-60. They have nice signs in their gate areas telling you how to line up (1-5, 6-10, 11-15...). So why do so many of you look so blank and can't figure out where to stand? It's not rocket science.

Lastly...most gates have a thing for you to check if your carry-on bag (a misnomer if I ever heard one - should be called wheel-on) will fit in the overhead. Most of you people have laughably big wheel-ons. Just because the airline personnel won't call you on it doesn't make it right. Try squashing your bag into the checker. You'll be as unamused as the rest of us.

Actually Getting Seated on the Plane

Ok you've walked or stumbled down the jetway and have reached the plane, with your wheel-on, er, carry-on.

At this point, you really need to proceed expediently to your seat, and get yourself out of the way of people behind you. If you can't figure out what combo of letters and numbers on your boarding pass is your seat number, I am really not amused. There are only one or two truly critical pieces of info on your boarding pass: your seat if assigned, and your boarding group (if not boarding by rows). If you can't figure out which one is which, then perhaps you're in that group of people who shouldn't be travelling. Or you should have asked the gate agent before you got this far.

Do not wait until you get to your seat to unzip your wheel-on bag and start rummaging around for your book or iPod. You should have had that thing pre-staged for quick retrieval.

As for that luggage you brought with you, here's a big tip. If you can't pick it up at all, it isn't a carry-on. If you can't lift it over your head, you should have checked it. I actually think wheeled bags have done more to ruin travel than almost any other travel development. They allow people to pack more crap than they need, because there's seemingly no penalty - anybody can drag a bag around behind them. Take only what you can carry, and I guarantee more of you would be carrying a lot less.

If you have more than two pieces with you - most airlines let you take a "suitcase" and a "personal item" like a purse - then they don't both get to go into the overhead just because you want footroom. Tough cookies. You put both things up there, and the person behind you has no overhead bin space at all. Be polite. (I should mention here too that most people stretch the concept of the "personal item" beyond belief. A personal item is not a second huge wheeled suitcase. It's a purse. Or a laptop. That's it! Men, if you don't want a purse, call it a European Shoulder Bag.)

Once you've struggled to put your bag overhead, and have actually sat down, please don't get up and take it down again while people are still trying to get past you. Think ahead for what you need and be ready the first time.

A tip for the business/first class people who boarded ahead of me. I really don't care how much your suit jacket cost or how much care you want to take hanging it up. You got on the plane 10 minutes ahead of all the rest of us, and you're still holding up the line. So wad your jacket up into a ball and stuff it into the overhead like the rest of us have to. You can have the valet at your expensive hotel press it out for you when you arrive.

If you happened to get a bulkhead seat - presumably because you asked for it or wanted the extra legroom - then the price is that you don't have a seat in front of you to put anything underneath. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't then mean you get to put things underneath your seat, because if I'm behind you, you just took away my under-the-seat storage. You already got extra legroom, don't be greedy.

If you're a baby, please don't sit near me, unless you're an exceedingly happy child. If I'm near the front, I hope you're in the back. Or vice versa. And parents...I know you sometimes don't have a choice and have to travel. And I know some of you are immune to your child's shrieks. But most of us aren't. Can you at least pretend like you're trying to calm them down, instead of letting them cry to the choking point? They won't cry themselves to sleep, you know, and if you think you're teaching them a lesson, well that's about as effective as me teaching my cat not to jump on the kitchen counter.

Finally, The Doors Are Closing

The flight attendants are closing the doors and are running through the safety briefing...the ones they have memorized, and most of us do too. You'll make them happy by looking like you are paying attention, because they know most of you aren't. You'd think they could simplify some of it. (To quote Jerry Seinfeld, they show how to work a seat belt, in case you haven't been a car since 1965. And why, in Denver, did I get told what to do in case of a water landing? WHAT WATER?!)

But I digress. The big problem at this point is that some of you still aren't in your seat - park it. And why are your phones still on? Turn the darn things off before the flight attendant bashes you over it. You really shouldn't have to be reminded five times at this point.

Yay, We're Taxiing to the Runway

Stay seated!

Take Off!

Please wait until we level out before you recline your seat into my lap. Thank you.

Airborne

Ah...now we can relax and just pass the time until we land. Right? So this means...

If I look like I'm ignoring you, I probably am. Really, about the only person I want to talk with on an airplane is Robert, or a flight attendant. Or a friend if one is on board, and only then in low tones. I only want to talk to a stranger if you appear really interesting, and most of you aren't. (Active duty military are an exception - they're usually very interesting and probably wish I would shut up, but are too polite to say so.) I don't really want to know what your business is, or that this is your first plane trip ever, or that you're going to see your niece's second cousin's first step-grandbaby.

A corollary to this is, if you are travelling with a friend or spouse, please don't talk loudly the whole flight. The rest of us really don't want to hear your conversation. Besides which, the more you talk, the more dehydrated you get. I'm really just thinking of you now.

If you're listening to music, I don't want to hear it. Adjust your earphones.

If you're watching a movie on your laptop, use earphones. It is distracting enough seeing a half-visible movie (half-visible because most laptops need to be seen straight on) without having to half-listen to it as well.

Here's a real pet peeve. I don't care which seat you are in (aisle, middle, window...). YOU DON'T GET BOTH ARMRESTS. Pick one. And keep your elbows in your personal space, not mine. (Robert, you're exempted from this.) No matter where I sit, I always seem to be squeezed by someone who thinks that they can spread out at my expense. KNOCK IT OFF.

Drop your drink on me, and you die. :-)

Special note for night flights...if everyone around you is trying to sleep, turn off your darn overhead light!

Lastly, if you happen to be outbound on your honeymoon, can you wait until you get there before you start making out. (Stupid couple on a Hawaiian Airlines flight, if you read this, you know who you are. You damn near broke the seat by managing to get both of you into it, and you reclined into my lap!)

On-Board Bathroom Etiquette

Ok, we all have to go sometime. Could you please not make a mess. Guys - hit the toilet and not the floor! Everyone flush! Wipe off the sink! If you're this much of a pig in the airplane, what does your bathroom at home look like? I don't want to know, actually. And for heaven's sake, don't stay in there for 10 minutes or more. (Special wrath for people who decide to freshen up in the loo after an overseas flight. We all stink at this point, and our teeth are all fuzzy, you don't get to monopolize the facilities. Move in, move out, go back to your seat.)

Arrival!

Yay, we've landed! And before you can say boo,150 cell phones are chirping and dinging, and 95 people are talking on their cell phones announcing self-importantly, "I've arrived!" Well, no you haven't arrived. You're on the tarmac taxiing for 5-15 minutes (depending on airport size) to get to the gate. And nobody wants to hear you blab on the phone. So either wait until you're in the terminal (when you can actually accurately tell someone you've arrived and give a valid ETA), or learn how to text.

Next, you actually have to wait until the seat belt sign is off to get up. Seriously.

When you do get to get up, could you please have some sympathy for the person in the back who has a tight connection, and let them through? And if you don't have a tight connection, how about waiting your turn to get off the plane? It bothers me when I'm patiently waiting to get up, get my bag out of the overhead bin, and some bozo from three rows back with no actual need to hurry insists on moving ahead of me. It's just rude, people.

When you've passed through the plane door and on to the jetway, keep moving. If you're waiting for a gate-checked bag, get out of the way! If you aren't waiting, you should be moving, not taking 5 minutes to figure out how to wheel your bag. Similarly if you exit the plane and have to walk down stairs yourself to the tarmac, keep it moving. (I think stairs should make a comeback. Forces more people to have to carry their bags instead of wheeling them. But I digress.)

What's the first thing everyone does when they get off the jetway and into the terminal? Besides standing around slack-jawed and staring vacantly that is. The ones that aren't cluttering the gate - interfering with other exiting passengers and people waiting for the next flight - are headed for the bathroom. I can't speak to the men's bathroom, but the women's are usually a mess. More of you need to learn how to wipe off the sink. And hey, if the toilet doesn't flush automatically, would you please flush it? Do you leave yours at home hoping it will magically flush? I don't think so.

Baggage Claim

The people that were either smart enough or stupid enough to check their bags, depending on your point of view, this is for you. First of all, you don't all need to stand right against the conveyor. Enough of you do that, then the rest of us can't see, and worse can't get to our bag when we see it coming. Stand back a little bit!

Second, they're not kidding when they say most bags look alike. So please make sure you have the right bag. Put something on your giant black wheeled suitcase to make it stand out from the 95 other giant black wheeled suitcases. (Mine is green and unwheeled, by the way.) Those baggage claim tags? A joke. Nobody will check as you leave baggage claim to see if you have the right bag, it is up to you. I think my baggage tags were last checked at LAX in about 1985.

If your bag doesn't appear, good luck to you. I had a bag get lost between Dallas and Alexandria, LA (I was going to Ft Polk). They promised I'd get the bag within three days, and it was a three day trip. I got it in time to check in for the return. So if you're smart, you will have stuffed some underwear in your actual carry-on, and can go buy whatever else you need wherever you are going.

Exit the Terminal

Thank goodness...I can get away from all of you now...at least until the return flight. Which is usually when I'm returning a rental car, so I can move on to...

Rental Car Return

AIRPORTS, LISTEN UP. PUT A !#$!@#$! GAS STATION NEAR THE RENTAL CAR RETURN! Newark, Tampa...the rest of you...you know who you are. You funnel us to the airport on an airport access road that gives you NO CHANCE to go buy gas once you're on it. If you have the time you can loop the airport and drive back out, and start on the search and rescue. Help us out here. You can own the stupid gas station, charge more than 5 miles away, and keep us happy...everybody wins.

Thoughts on Airlines

Despite what a tour participant told us once on a trip - that once you've flown Air Sudan, you can take just about anything - I think it does actually matter how an airline treats you. Not all of them completely suck; some are better than others. But not a lot. :-) Here are my subjective thoughts on those that I have flown.

Alaska

I like these guys. I liked the Dove bars they gave us (three of them) going from Anchorage to Kodiak, back to Anchorage, then back to Kodiak (bad weather kept us from landing the first time). Too bad they don't go more places I want to go.

Alitalia

They suck. Maybe they suck less now than they did when they still allowed smoking - we had a flight with them to Rome where we were the first row behind the smoking section, and not only would they not try to move us, but the stewardesses (I won't dignify them with "flight attendant") would then make sure to stand next to us on their own smoke breaks, flicking ash in our laps. Nope, don't think I'll ever fly them again.

American

Well, AA is where all my credit card frequent flyer miles accumulate, and I do tend to like them for international travel. Domestic, routing through Dallas is fine; don't care for Chicago. I do wish my credit card miles would equate to one of those precious metal statuses, though. Downside - you can request a special meal, but if you don't confirm it 8 times, you won't get it. Food on international is usually ok. Best meal we ever had was probably the trip to India where they (gasp) served actual Indian food.

Asiana

This was a code-share flight (with United, Continental, US Airways) from Seoul to Los Angeles. Much better than the pure United flight I had out - I had actual legroom on this flight, and the attendants were very good about telling people to put their seat backs up during meal service. The food was good too - opt for the Asian fare rather than the ersatz American stuff.

Continental

Hadn't flown them for ages, but just recently flew them home from Tampa FL through Houston to Tucson. Nice gate agents, which I don't think was entirely because I had a refundable ticket - they actually seemed nice and helpful. Go figure.

Croatia Airlines

Flew these guys from Frankfurt to Dubrovnik, and Split to Frankfurt, in 2010. They get a special mention for having free beer and wine (not that we had any - but it looked decent), and they actually knew that we had auto-requested low-fat meals (via our Expedia profiles), and delivered. They win.

Lufthansa

Favorite airline for international, hands down. Best food too.

PanAm

These idiots croaked already (or was that TWA? same difference), so complaining about our bad flight home from Zurich to JFK is moot.

Southwest

I don't like the lack of assigned seats, but otherwise these guys are great. The flight attendants keep you on your toes by changing up the briefings and announcements. And they'll give you peanuts, while most other airlines are allergic (no pun intended) to the concept.

United

I hate these guys. After they hosed us on a connecting flight in LA (from Vancouver, going to Tucson), and were so unaccommodating about it, I tell people, the only way I'll fly United again is if I'm in a casket and my body is being flown home. Yeah, so one friend of mine has some super-duper 1 million mile status and United treats him exceedingly well. That's their problem - the handful of VIPs get good treatment, and the rest of us, it's like we're in steerage on the Titanic.
I was forced to fly United recently (Aug 2010) for a business trip to South Korea. The personnel were actually friendly this time, but there was almost no legroom on the flight - and hey I'm only 5'8"...but of course they were exceeedingly happy to try to sell me "economy plus" seating for $190 one way...what a joke. The return flight for me was on Asiana with a United code share - see above.

USAirways

They merged with/took over America West in the early 2000s. They're ok, no complaints. Except that it seems silly to fly from Tucson to Phoenix for anything, by the time you've reached cruising altitude you're on the descent. But that's not their fault.

Last updated: 7 September 2010

Alaska	I like these guys. I liked the Dove bars they gave us (three of them) going from Anchorage to Kodiak, back to Anchorage, then back to Kodiak (bad weather kept us from landing the first time). Too bad they don't go more places I want to go.
Alitalia	They suck. Maybe they suck less now than they did when they still allowed smoking - we had a flight with them to Rome where we were the first row behind the smoking section, and not only would they not try to move us, but the stewardesses (I won't dignify them with "flight attendant") would then make sure to stand next to us on their own smoke breaks, flicking ash in our laps. Nope, don't think I'll ever fly them again.
American	Well, AA is where all my credit card frequent flyer miles accumulate, and I do tend to like them for international travel. Domestic, routing through Dallas is fine; don't care for Chicago. I do wish my credit card miles would equate to one of those precious metal statuses, though. Downside - you can request a special meal, but if you don't confirm it 8 times, you won't get it. Food on international is usually ok. Best meal we ever had was probably the trip to India where they (gasp) served actual Indian food.
Asiana	This was a code-share flight (with United, Continental, US Airways) from Seoul to Los Angeles. Much better than the pure United flight I had out - I had actual legroom on this flight, and the attendants were very good about telling people to put their seat backs up during meal service. The food was good too - opt for the Asian fare rather than the ersatz American stuff.
Continental	Hadn't flown them for ages, but just recently flew them home from Tampa FL through Houston to Tucson. Nice gate agents, which I don't think was entirely because I had a refundable ticket - they actually seemed nice and helpful. Go figure.
Croatia Airlines	Flew these guys from Frankfurt to Dubrovnik, and Split to Frankfurt, in 2010. They get a special mention for having free beer and wine (not that we had any - but it looked decent), and they actually knew that we had auto-requested low-fat meals (via our Expedia profiles), and delivered. They win.
Lufthansa	Favorite airline for international, hands down. Best food too.
PanAm	These idiots croaked already (or was that TWA? same difference), so complaining about our bad flight home from Zurich to JFK is moot.
Southwest	I don't like the lack of assigned seats, but otherwise these guys are great. The flight attendants keep you on your toes by changing up the briefings and announcements. And they'll give you peanuts, while most other airlines are allergic (no pun intended) to the concept.
United	I hate these guys. After they hosed us on a connecting flight in LA (from Vancouver, going to Tucson), and were so unaccommodating about it, I tell people, the only way I'll fly United again is if I'm in a casket and my body is being flown home. Yeah, so one friend of mine has some super-duper 1 million mile status and United treats him exceedingly well. That's their problem - the handful of VIPs get good treatment, and the rest of us, it's like we're in steerage on the Titanic. I was forced to fly United recently (Aug 2010) for a business trip to South Korea. The personnel were actually friendly this time, but there was almost no legroom on the flight - and hey I'm only 5'8"...but of course they were exceeedingly happy to try to sell me "economy plus" seating for $190 one way...what a joke. The return flight for me was on Asiana with a United code share - see above.
USAirways	They merged with/took over America West in the early 2000s. They're ok, no complaints. Except that it seems silly to fly from Tucson to Phoenix for anything, by the time you've reached cruising altitude you're on the descent. But that's not their fault.